Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
being pregnant is like rehab
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
pray to the hookup gods
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
