You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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