I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize