matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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