I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize