i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
