i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
So here I am, sexting at work.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
