mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
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