Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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