Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
