I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
