matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
