I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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