I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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