Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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