how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Randomize
