from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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