he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Randomize
