quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Randomize
