I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
