The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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