I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
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