I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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