he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
two words: eviction party
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
