I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
