Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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