Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
