Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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