I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I didn't notice because vodka
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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