garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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