I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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