i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
i just made my gag reflex go away.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
