apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
