I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
