I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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