Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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