Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
