Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
