1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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