I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Randomize
