It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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