just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
