I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
