WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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