My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
