So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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