YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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