You're my little dorito
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
