Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
