Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
