in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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