I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
