quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
