I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
