genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
