Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
