how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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