When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
accomplished twins. life is a go
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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