We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
