Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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