I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize