Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
