That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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