Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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