I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
