i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize
