All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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