Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
