you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Randomize
