sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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