Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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