Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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