u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
