I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
